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“Hyrule's Epical Epic”Hyrule's Epical EpicBy: Deity Man Setting... sometime
after Majora's Mask, Link's all grown up now, he of course is Hyrules hero,
Zelda is as *compassionate* as always, as she sends her army to invade
nearby Calatia (cough), and nobody seems to be mentally stable anymore...
The characters featured are the blond Ocarina of Time Link
The Epic Epical Epic's Pilot!! We start in this beautifull setting overlooking Hyrule Castle in all of its glory, beautiful forests, waterfalls, rays of sunlight, this moment of natural bliss is shattered by an ear-shattering scream... "GENERAL!!!!" shouted Zelda, the general comes rushing down (special appereance by Tom Cruise!!). General Cruise pants over, "Yes my Queen?" Zelda replies, "Hey hey hey!!! I'll call myself queen when I pop out five children and am heavily overweight!!!" General Cruise sighs, " Yes... my PRINCESS??" Zelda says, "Tommy!! I just got word that Link and the troops are returning home!!" (her eyes get misty) "Oh Link.. such a great hero! Capturing foreign lands for me!!" Cruise replies, "Umm, your highness, the region is still very dangerous... I recommend we sent escorts for the naval transports." Zelda replies, "Escorts??! PHHHT! They don't need escorts, Link's a freaking hero!! He can handle everything... Besides, we got those budget cuts to worry about..." Cruise sighs, "Damn budget cuts... it'd be nice
to wear an armor... or even a uniform once in a while..."
Meanwhile in a beach in Calatia "Captain's Log: Stardate: 53000.0. Hold it!!! This ain't Star Trek!!" "CAPTAINS war log: March 12th. We are currently
loading up passengers at Dee beach, Calatia.... I've seen so much horrors....
(starts weeping). Anyway me and my troops are loading up to head back to
Hyrule, leaving me with the feeling we didn't quite actually conquer Calatia...
maybe it's the remaining soldiers shooting it up... the fact we didn't
go ANYWHERE near their capital...Oh well, these thoughts will go away as
soon as I see my
At that moment a commander interrupts, "Uhh, Captain Link, ... who exactly are you talking to???" Link replies, "Who else??! My ship's log!" The commander says, "Uh sir... we're in a tent... and that's not a book, its a clam." Link responds, "I knew I smelled something fishy!!" The Commander sighs, "Captain Link, the soldiers are ready to go home, are you coming?" Link sighs, "Yes, but I get the terrible feeling
some terrible events are happening somewhere near."
Meanwhile some terrible events are happening nearby!! A Calatian ship comes up the port bow!!! Link goes up to his flashship and starts yelling out orders, "Pull up the anchor! Bring us about, load cannons, cancel the parade, one large burger hold the onions!!" The commander panics, "We're all gonna die capn'. WERE GONNA DIE!!!" He inmediatly jumps off the ship. Link cusses, "Damnit fu**** ****** *****, now I need a new commander! You umm....errr......," The soldier replies, "Torin, sir." Link yells, "Of course its you Torrin! My best of friends! You are my new commander!!" Torrin's eyes light up, "Oh daddy! You've made me the happiest girl in the world!!" Link yells, "Ok Calatians, I'm gonna kick your ass so much your teeth will hurt!! Fire cannons!!!". Link's Hylian nave fires cannons at the Calatians and succsesfully sinking it. Link sighs with relief, "Phew glad that's over... Mr. Torrin, set a course for wherever the hell direction Hyrule is in, I'm gonna go see the doctor." Torrin is clearly happy, "Oh yes sir, of course sir!!! Oh I'm so happy, look at me I'm a commander!" Link sighs, "It's a long ocean home...(he begins weeping)"
Chapter Two Row row row your boat.... Can the resert button save our heroes from evil evilness?? "Captain Link's Log and Captain's Vitamins: Supplemental... I have forged an alliance with the World Wrestling Federation. Some of them will work as soldiers, helping train my men...others will work in the cafeteria, and others will run the pictograph shop on the poop deck....ewww.....and Stone Cold Steve Austin will be working with umm....err.....dee......del......ah! Malon, he'll be working with herbalist Malon in the medical umm... ship hospital... yeah, that sounds ok... After our encounter with the Calatians, we ended up losing 9 decks, life boats, our emergency boats our boat, Hell, we lost all the boats. The damage to my flashship, the H.M.S Titanic (dont ask) has been extreme. But we should have it all fixed up by morning." Suddenly, 47 big ass calatian battle ships come up the port bow. Link exclaims, "Those are large ships, no doubt." Malon says, "They sure are." Link shrieks, "HOLD IT!! Malon?? What are YOU doing here, I thought you came aboard as a herbalist of sorts!!" Malon replies, "Oh silly blondie! I was, but I'm too cute to be stuck under decks, besides those sailors do some really weird stuff on my hospital beds." Link tries to hold back his lunch. Meanwhile the Calatians start launching junk at the Titanic and the rest of the Hylian Navy!! Link screams, "Malon, I need you to get me some really good magic spells, And I need them now!!!!" Malon replies, "I think if we use spell-o #5, combined with rabbit's foot, stinky herbs, lalachagjka potions, the red potion, gold dust we might be able to sink them, and using kiya root to enhance the powder in the cannons, we can sink them!!" (explosion). Link yells, "Well..? DO IT!!" Unfortunately it's not successful they ended up turning some of the sailors into marketplace women with hairy legs, and the Calatians are closing in. Link turns to Torrin and says, "Commander t--... umm....ti.... trrr...." Malon chimes in, "Torrin." Link yells," YES!, torrin of course!!"....he continues, "We have no choice Commander, we must activate the Reset Button." (melodramatic music!) Torrin complies and soon all 47 war ships are erased from existence. Then Malon makes a stunning announcement, "I just received a message from Jyrule via Gaebora Kaepora air mail, they've sent us some new uniforms." Link says with an excited tone, "You mean the budget cuts are over??!! Very cool!!" Malon continues, "Unfortunately, they sent the uniforms to the wrong timeframe, we must travel back in time to retrieve them." Malon shows Link his findings and Link says, "We have no choice, we must travel 4 years back in time to retrieve them. As much as it will hurt, I must use my Ocarina of Time to return to the past, to have a...... LINK TO THE PAST!" (melodramatic music) Malon sighs, "Oh brother....hold it!! I thought Zelda had the Ocarina!" Link laughs, "Since when do the Zelda games have continuity between then?? For all we know Subrosians are now underwear supermodels and Zoras live in mountains." And so the heros, H.M.S Titanic, and the clueless Hylian army/navy search off into the unknown ocean.... Chapter Three: Back to Koholint Again, and Again
"Zelda's Diary...Dear Diary, I just had a life-altering adventure just one week ago, filled with so much emotion, I have decided to become a great benevolent leader, encourage arts rennaissance, destroy racial and social barriers bring equality to all, no matter race, gender, or sexual orientation, I shall make a utopia out of Hyrule where poverty, suffering, corruption, and war are a thing of the past... "But since Zelda games make almost no sense between
them and follow no continuity, I've forgotten most of my adventure and
I'll keep Hyrule the way it is, a middle age wasteland... Oh well!!. In
other news, I'm awfully worried about Link. He hasn't returned yet!! I
knew I shouldn't have sent those uniforms to him using the rod of seasons!!
Anyway I'm sure he is going to be ok... and he better, this abstinence
spell is killing me!!"
Meanwhile The Titanic is almost nearing the shores of Hyrule... when something, comes up off the port bow... It's the Island of Koholint!! (like you didn't see it coming) Link is flabbergasted and says, "Malon I'm flabbergasted! What the hell is that???" Malon says, "Link, don't you remember?? You once had an adventure there!" Link has a blank expression on his face, "Huh?' Malon says, "You know.. the wind fish... 8 instruments." Link says, "Bluh?" Malon loses her patience, "You know! Red-haired chick named Marin... you were wearing a skirt!!!" Link says, "HEY!! My skirts are something private!!! Anyway, I don't care, we're going to HYRULE, not kohi--- whats it's name..." The island natives go to shore and yell at the Hylian Navy, "Help, the evil eagle-- oh no the cuckoos are running amock-- I'm craaaazyyy traaaazzzyyy!!!-- Who the f*** do you write to Mr. Write??" Then none other than Marin comes up to the beach! She drones, "You must wake the windfish.... there's this secret place around the waterfall I found you on the beach..." Link says, "I recognize that whiny voice everywhere, I remember. But I thought it was a dream, but then again how could it be if they are here, or maybe it was or wasn't because if it was or wasn't...." Malon sighs, "...Dammit! He went into a train of thought!" After offering the island people some Midol, Tylenol, and Prozac, the island once again vanished. The Titanic crew considers what to do next.... Link says, "All right men, we've come here to think what we're going to do.... should we light up flares for help after the island thing, should we stay put? Should we continue on home??" Soldier #1 says, "Maybe we should go on home." Sailor # 2 says, "He's right, why stay put??" Soldier #2 says, "I dunno, that red haired girl was HOT!!" Soldier # 47 says, "I say we go home I'm tired of being seasick, even in my sleep!!" Link asks, "Who the hell are all these people??" Malon says, "They are Hylian soldiers and sailors... remember, Zelda sent us to take over some land?" Link says, "Huh?" Malon sighs, "You know! Calatia! Some games say it's your homeland, others say Hyrule is..." Link says, "Cal-a-tia??, never heard of it!!" Malon sighs. Link ignores the sigh and says, "Ok men whom I think I recognize but I don't quite do... no matter how hot that chick was... or how seasick you are, we shall continue on to our land of Hyrule... where it is? I dunno, how it looks like by now? I dunno... for all we know theres a Naboorou town. But there's not, and there's a beach palace, but it's really Kokiri forest...sigh... anyway we will coninue on home!!" All the soldiers cheer and get drunk in celebration... Malon asks, "But Link weren't we looking for uniforms?? And if we are going home, how do we know in what direction? We're lost... and if we do get back..." Link interrupts Malon, "Oh Malon, silly Malon.... I'll let you take care of it. I don't have time to debate this with you right now. I am late for a very hot date with a 6 ft 4, 200 pound, 26 year old underwear model with blonde hair and blue eyes... And he's wild about me." Malon continues, "And we still need suplies and...... hold it, HE??" Link says, "You have the bridge, admiral, prepare for the jump to hyperspace." Malon shakes her head, "A he, an admiral, hyper thingies on a medieval warship?? My head hurts....". And so the Titanic and the Hylyan nave continue on back
to beloved hyrule.. who knows what adventures will wait up for them next! In the
epic for all epics... THE HYRULE EPIC!
Chapter Four: The God Forsaken Instrument!! Part 1 Will the Ocarina save or destroy our heroic heroes? Find out in this stunning 2 part tale of heroics!! The next mentally unstable intallment of THE HYRULE EPIC!! "We start off the day with Link and crew on the Promenade deck, Link is heading the weekly fitness program onboard the Titanic, some of the crew are there... Link cheers on, "Come on you can do it!! And 1, and 2, and 3, come on more situps, and one and two, a big smile now!!" Suddenly this big huge monster comes out of the sea in a swirl of black magic off the port bow. Link shrieks, "Why the hell is it always the Port bow???" Torrin responds, "I did not know we had any other bows." Link asks, "Who the hell are you??" Torrin sighs. Tabitha, the crow's nest girl examines the monster and says, "Captain!! It's none other than GANON!!!" Link shrugs his head and says, "Ganon??, who's Ganon??" Ganon then bellows in his huge monster voice. "Liiink, you have killed me for the last time.... I have come back in time to kill YOU first... you won't stop me this time...." Link whines, "Time travel??? I hate time travel!!! I thought that after the Oracle series we could lay off the damn time travel." Ganon suddenly breathes fire on Titanic!! Torrin yells, "We have damage to the stern, admiral Ferro's Ship is sunk. We've lost hull casing on the lower decks." Link responds, "Lower decks? And an admiral? Never heard of them... Mr. To---tirr---t-bb.. boy! Prepare to return fire!!" Torrin takes a quick shot of Tequila and says, "Okay Captain, I'm prepared." Link reconsiders, "Wait!! Why don't I use my Ocarina to get us out of this mess??" Malon yells, "Why always your damn Ocarina?? If you use it where the hell are we gonna end up??" Link chuckles, "Oh Malon EVERYBODY knows THAT!" All the crew exchanges blank stares at each other. Link stands up gets the ocarina from his belt and yells, "Geronimo!!" Link plays the god forsaken instrument... suddenly things start going haywire.... the ship moves weirdly.... so does the rest of the clueless fleet..... a lot of flashy thingies happen at the same time!! Swish swash boom!!! Suddenly it's night, all the ships are accounted for... theres no moon, no wind and there are these weird little white rocks on the horizon. Suddenly a certain Lt. Mikael comes up, "Captain! All ships are asking for help... your ocarina has caused some disturbances, as well as it is not recommended to keep sailing, it is very dark and cold... there could be ice--" Link suddenly realizes something, "Mikael.. you can Speak??? Dear God!! I thought you were just a background boy!!" Malon exclamates, "He has a point, time is all weird around your Ocarina!. For example, fifteen minutes ago I called you a stupid blonde royalty boy toy... But from your point of view, you haven't heard me say it yet." Link is not amused and says, "Listen here, you red head ranch Bimbo..." Suddenly the lights go dark and the emergency siren starts whining like crazy. Link is fed up and says, "Oh, for crying out loud... Enough with the sirens all the time, every time somebody breaks a nail we go to an emergency... Must we always be this melodramatic??" Link and Malon go into the bridge, they find out a Zora pizza delivery whale has come off the port bow, the zora yells and says, "Hey, did you folks order some food?" Link barks, "Absolutely not, you stupid fish!!" Malon pulls Link aside and says, "Link... I think its another temporal paradox thanks to the ocarina... According to the clock, its 5:19 PM on Titanic, but on the Pizza Ship, it 5:47 PM. Time Paradox... We did order a pizza, we just haven't ordered it yet." Link rolls his eyes and says, "Malon, just because your damn clock is wrong doesn't mean we are in the midst of a temporal Paradox... You ever hear of Daylight Savings Time??" So the Pizza whale leaves, but then a Gerudo warship comes up the port bow!! And None other than Ganondorf comes up, he bellows in his evil voice ship-to-ship and says, "Link you dumb blond royalty boy-toy," (Link thinks "damn it!") "Your ship is on the verge of destruction... My vessel has fired all of its cannons onto you, and my Gerudo warriors are right now overpowering your little ship!! ... I've destroyed more than half your ship... I suggest you surrender." Link says, "What are you talking about, you dumb broad?? The ship is not damaged at all, and you have not hit us with a cannon ball." Ganondorf explains, "Oh, yes, Link, I have damaged your ship a lot... I just haven't launched them yet... Temporal Paradox." At that moment cannon blasts come out of nowhere and rip though titanic's hull, blowing a huge hole in the underside!! Link says, "Wow... Good call there Ganondorf!" Malon suggests, "We should use a paradox against him." Link groans, "Ugh, I hate time travel, you go away for a few years Zelda's gone, Dampe died, and a Sheikan guy in tight spandex keeps following you around." Malon nods in agreement and Link says, "Oh well, let's just get this started before my headache gets any worse." Our beloved Torrin says, "Hey Captain, I heard you used that line on Zelda all the time, and you wonder why she always stays in Hyrule!!" Link's not amused, he proceeds to throw Din's Fire at him, but Ganondorf interrupts... Ganondorf says, "Captain, I'm going to leave now, but I'll be back in 10 minutes, and there better be some surrendering going on." With that, Ganondorf disappears. A short time later, Link assembles the crew for a speech, "Each of you has done their best... But determination alone won't hold this ship together... We'll need a hell of a lot of scotch tape to hold this ship together... We've lost 30 out of 15 decks... More than half the ship has been destroyed...... And we're down to the last pot of blue potion, and if you think I'm sharing it with you idiots, you got another thing coming." Link continues, "I promised myself that I would never give this order... But asking you to stay, would be asking you to die....You will proceed to the life boats and abandon ship." Malon interrupts, "Um, Captain, the life boats have all been destroyed." Link rephrases his speech, "Oh, okay... Well, then,
you will all proceed to the opened decks run like crazy to the stern as
the Titanic sinks by the bow, you also have the choice to jump and swim
for dear life, if you do set your course for Hyrule. Along the way,
swim a little and watch out for sharks. The senior officers and I will
remain on board as long as possible... Laughing our asses off while you
drown and gasp for air... And when we find each other again, I expect all
of you to be in one piece, with some interesting stories to tell, and with
some sort of souvenir for me. Good luck......."
As the episode ends in a cliffhanger Link and Malon are hanging off the railing, Link sighs, "You'd think there would be a spare boat for the hero!!" To be continued!!! Will our heroes perish???? Will past-Ganondorf win and capture our beloved hero?? Will Link ever see Zelda again?? Will the Titanic sink... even more?? Will our heroes.. and the other 8,000 ever reach Hyrule?? Find out on the stunning conclusion to THE HYRULE EPIC!!! The first
two parter!!!
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